Room with a view



“I love you, and trust you enough to still let you join a running club.”

I have two favorite times of the day during the week, and they are equally special to me. One is that every evening we eat dinner as a family at the breakfast table (FYI – Our dining room table has seen 3 meals in 2 ½ years – I’ll save that one for another blog), and the other is that my wife and I wake up early, and while I’m getting ready for work we have about 20 minutes to talk, and catch each other up on the days events. It’s kind of like a debriefing of the day, and this time keeps us on the same page for the most part. So last night I had the craziest dream about joining a running club. In the running club there was an attractive girl that kept chasing me. Eventually I wound up in the middle of a break in at a house where a friend of mine was trying to steal this girls huge flat screen TV. I know…it was crazy! While I’m in the shower I tell my wife the entire dream…ever last embarrassing detail. She was laughing, shaking her head, and at one point seemed a little concerned about how the dream could be interpreted.

On my drive into the office I was thinking about my wife’s reaction to the dream, and now that I see her note for today there is a very important point I want to drive home. This is my point…Ladies…give your husband room to be honest. Here is what I mean…Imagine if my wife reacted in a way that she was really upset about my dream…Truthfully, in some ways she did have the right to be concerned about the dreams content. She could have taken a totally negative approach, grilled me about who the girl was, and give me the 3^rd degree. You can probably guess what would happen the next time I had a dream and wanted to tell her about it.

I would certainly think twice about doing so.

Instead, my wife chose to take this dream, and use the conversation to show me how much she trusts me. As a husband, to know my wife trusts me, and has my back means more to me than anything in this world. Husbands need this type of confidence because it’s crucial to the role we play as a “guardian” to our family. With this lunch letter my wife single handedly showed me that she isn’t going to let something silly like a dream get in the way of our relationship. She gave me room to tell the truth! As a result, I will continue to open up, and share all of my feelings with her.

At the end of the day trust is all about confidence in another person. It is so fragile and delicate, and must be protected at all times. If you are in a relationship where trust and confidence are lacking it is something that must be addressed in order for a healthy relationship to exist. There is no room for anything less than the truth, even if someone has good intentions by trying to "protect someones feelings." I understand there are relationships where someone is actually afraid to be honest, because their partner would read so far into something that the truth would cause more damage than a little white lie. If you are on either side of this situation you need to realize this is a major relationship emergency. Check your marriage into rehab, and fix this immediately. Everyone needs “room to tell the truth.” Don’t be quick to react, give your partner the benefit of the doubt and ALWAYS HAVE YOUR SPOUSES BACK.

Oh the pain...

“I miss you already! I love you!”

The day is short, and I’m heading out of town soon for my trip that I spoke about in yesterday’s blog. I’m limited on time but I have to tell you that last night my wife gave me 8 cards (I couldn’t make this up ya’ll). One card for the road, one for each morning and one card for each night. So it looks like I will have some notes/cards to post when I return.

I think it’s neat that you can miss someone before they are actually gone. Just the pure anticipation of the separation totally changes your body’s chemistry. It adds an element to a relationship much like when you first begin dating. It’s really nice to return to that anxiousness (or at least a different form of it) from time to time. When you miss someone so much it hurts, you are definitely with the right one!

Do not be a zoo keeper!

“Only 72 48hours until your adventure begins JI love you baby”

There is one concept that is missed by most wives…and when Isay missed…I mean MISSED! By nature, men need comradery.  We need to feel a sense of brotherhood, andfrom time to time men just need to get away with the guy’s, curse a little, burpand fart a lot and tell the same stories with “the guy’s.” If your shaking yourhead right now and thinking “that’s such a typical guy thing to say…my husbanddoesn’t need to do that” well then I have a wakeup call for ya sister! If youdon’t encourage your hubby to get away with his pals for a little “man time”than you have clipped the wings of an eagle.  And if you are one of those womenwho refuse to give “permission” to your spouse to enjoy some time away, youhave essentially casterated the lion. Im mean for cryin' out loud its already been tamed, and lives in a cage. Seriously...don't be a zoo keeper!

Consider this…from the beginning of time men have been thegathers. They roamed the land searching for food, killed their prey and broughtit back to the village to eat. They did this as a group. Rarely did huntersseek out meals alone. Picture these dirty, hairy, smelly cavemen returning totheir village with their animals in hand…I can just hear them grunting and seethem pounding their filthy hands on their hairy bare chests. All trying to outdo theother… Now imagine the stories those cave women had to listen over and overagain. And newsflash…if they ever corrected their exaggerating cave-husband and said anything like “now honey…the dinosaur youkilled wasn’t THAT big” it would be WAAAAP! Right upside the head with a club.Now I am certainly not condoning the clubbing of wives so don’t hit the deletebutton just yet. Believe it or not I’m getting to a really good point here.

In 2 days I will leave for my annual backpacking trip with some of my oldcollege roommates. You have no idea how many of them will be telling storiesover the 4 day trip about how their wife hasn’t talked to them for 2 weeks becausethey are so upset with them for leaving. And then there’s myself and Jason. Jason has a great supporting wife who is one of the kindest people you would ever meet. Wewill laugh at these other guy’s the entire time because our wives gave us somuch support. And while the other guy’s are sitting around the camp firetalking about how selfish their ladies back home are…guess what? Me and oleJason will be sitting there with a smile on our faces, and all the whilewondering why we came into the woods because we miss our wives and kids sostinking much. It never fails. Jason and I, every year, do nothing but mope inconfidence because we are so homesick. Sure…it is FANTASTIC to get away. Butreally, you can’t imagine how much I miss my wife.

If you struggle with letting your husband spread his wings alittle you might want to try changing things up. Heck…you could even suggestthat he go enjoy some time with the guy’s. Watch his face when you encouragehim to go play golf or go fishing with a buddy…while he is gone send him a text(don’t call) about how happy you are that he is getting some guy time….and whenhe comes home have something fabulous ready for him for dinner. I’m tellingyou, he will be so impressed with your attitude that it could be a real gamechanger.

*Disclaimer: this blog is based uponan every now and then occurance. In no way to I support spending more time awayfrom the family than with them. Unless your husband is into deer hunting. …ifthat is the case you just out of luck J

Chirp Chirp

“My sky is a little bluer today and the birds are chirping a little louder.” J

From time to time I will find myself in a rut. It seems like the stress at work begins to pile up, the kids bring home a bad grade, there are some family and friend issues going on that are extremely difficult to handle and BAAMM!!! I’m in a funk. I hate when this happens. It’s like I am watching a movie of myself. I’m dragging around, feeling sorry for pitiful me, having a negative attitude and making those around me miserable. It doesn’t happen too often, but when it does WATCH OUT! And then just as quickly as it came on – SNAP – I’m out of it. But in order to get out of it we need someone to reach out their hand, pull us up and dust off our backs for us.

In a marriage it is so important for us to reach out our hands and pick up our partners. Even when we know we are in the right. After a pretty huge disagreement the other night, and an evening of mutual silent treatment I left the house the next morning just as angry as I was when I went to sleep. The worst part is the whole reason my wife and I were fighting was because of my crappy attitude. On the way in to work yesterday my wife called me. I barely got hello out, and she said “I want you to know that no matter what I love you more than anything in this entire world. I’m sorry for last night, and I hope you have a good day.” And she said this with the utmost conviction and sincerity. I could really feel her trying to be tender hearted. After we hung up I couldn’t help but think Why would she do that? Why would she call me and say all those things when this whole thing is my fault…it hit me today that she could care less about winning a fight. She only cares about growing from the disagreement, keeping our family totally united and getting back on track to our usual life (which really is wonderful).

Would you ever do that? Would you offer up an apology, and a kind word to someone who was totally in the wrong? All because you knew that if you would just give in a little bit the one you cared about  you would pull them out of their funk. Imagine how much different your relationships could be if you decided to speak the first kind words after an argument. One thing to always keep in mind is that men are genetically programmed to fight to the death. No matter what a win is a win in our book. That is how little boys are raised in athletics, and even brought up in the world of business.

As a wife I bet you could never imagine how humbling it would be to your husband if you let him off of the hook when you knew you had him backed into the corner of some ridiculous fight. I would almost guarantee that you would never forget the look on his face when you said “Baby, I love you, I’m sorry.” You really should give it a try. I bet if you can find the strength and courage to do this your sky will be a little more blue, and you will definitely here the birds singing!

Click below to see the “Happy Working Song” from the movie Enchanted.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TAsG__XjU8Q

Awkward Silence

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It is so rare for my wife and I to get into any type of argument. And when we get into an argument it is always about the same thing…THE KIDS! Each of us have so many different opinions on how to discipline our children. While I talk a big game to my oldest daughter Morgan (8 years old), and I keep her in line with a verbal scolding from time to time…I’m pretty much a sucker for big crocodile tears, a snotty nose and those deep hyperventilating gasps that try work their way through sobbing sentences, and prevent a child from getting their words out.

I have a blank napkin today because I’m totally in the dog house AND I had to make my own lunch this morning! Which sucks on so many levels…I had 2 boiled eggs and a piece of string cheese today. Hell hath no fury right J  

So last night my wife asked Morgan to please clean her room (it was a HUGE mess). Morgan stomped her feet up the stairs, and we could hear her “lolly-gagging” and singing songs from the kitchen below. So my wife heads up to give her some motivation. Unfortunately, only tough love works on Moe. And that is just what Heather was giving her.

Here is where things get complicated. As I child growing up my father was a very tough disciplinarian. To the point where now as an adult I find myself avoiding disciplinary situations just so that I don’t open a painful door to my past. My wife can’t understand that, and unless you were brought up in a home where you feared  a parents wrath you may not be able to relate to this post. While I have an amazing relationship with my dad (he is truly one of my closest friends) today; there was a time as a kid that was a very difficult period. Because of that I find myself going the opposite direction with my children. I know it is probably not right, but I tend to let so much slide because I want them to see me as a gentle person.

So how do you fix this…surely we can’t be the only husband and wife to fight about how to discipline their kids. But what do you do when your idea of discipline is so far at the opposite end of the spectrum its hard to find a compromise…You see…this is the most difficult thing about parenting to me because there is no way to know if you handled it the right way until you look back in 20 years and your kids are grown.  For me and my sisters, the tough love we received from dad landed us all in pretty good positions in life. So looking back that style worked for us. But now, anytime I try to discipline my kids I’m afraid of making them feel the way I felt as a child.

By now my wife and I have already laughed this one off. We had a great conversation on my way into  the office, and again at lunch over my boiled eggs. I have agreed to be more supportive of her when it comes to discipline, and I have opened up to her about why I hold back in that area. At the end of the day we would never let something like this come between us because we take the time to talk about it, and work through the issues…even though it meant both of us had to compromise, we had to listen to each other’s points of view that we equally disagreed on and ultimately we had to come to the conclusion that this issue will probably show its ugly face in the future. In the mean time I’m hoping to get not only a note tomorrow…but much more importantly a decent LUNCH!

If you find yourself in a situation where your spouse just can’t seem to take on the role of disciplinarian I want to encourage you to be patient with that person. You need to understand that there is likely something dark in their closet that is not ready to come out. Be patient with your spouse, talk openly about which role each of you play, don’t step on toes by undermining one another and find what works best for you and your family. And if your kids are for the most part well behaved and respectful to you and others, chances are whatever you are doing has worked well…

Multiplicity

"If I could be an octowife I would, to have 8 of you." :)

In the mid 90’s a movie called “Multiplicity” came out starring Michael Keaton and Andie MacDowell. In a nutshell Michael Keaton’s character finds a way to clone himself. He does it one time, and finds that even having two of him just isn’t enough to go around. So he does this again and again and again…until finally his world spins out of control, and the inevitable Hollywood plot of “too much of a good thing” plays out. It’s a really cute movie with lots of laughs, and it really makes you think…I wonder what it would be like to clone myself.

Have you ever thought to yourself “I need two of me just to get things done around here!” Maybe you have even caught yourself saying that out loud to your kids or hubby in a frustrated moment. Looking back on my childhood now, I am amazed at how my mother worked a full time job, and ran our house as if she was a stay at home mom. For 10 hours a day she ran her own hair salon (which was wildly successful in our town), and then came home to make a hot dinner for the family. Laundry was always done, our house was always neat and tidy, she helped me with my home work and never missed any of her children’s after school activities. And when I say never, I mean NEVER! In all my life I bet my mom got to eat her dinner when it was hot maybe 10 times! She was always waiting on her family.

Now that I’m grown, and have kids of my own I can’t imagine putting in the hours she put in, and doing all she did. I wonder how many times she said in her head “If only there were more of me to go around!” I’ll bet it was a lot.

A funny thing about life is that when we are in times of total chaos, and it seems like you are the only one who can get the job done…there is a funny thing that is happening all around you that you might not be aware of…people are watching. And the seriousness of that is the people who are watching are the only people who truly matter in your life. People like your children and your spouse! The truth is that we simply can’t clone ourselves. We can only do what we are capable of. And here is a quick tip...what we are capable of varies from day to day based on what is happening around us. And even when you are giving your best to your familiy you are still going to have failures. These failures are not preventable for 1 reason…YOU ARE HUMAN!

Maybe you have so much going on right now that you just can’t get it done alone, and you still don’t have the help you need…maybe you are just to afraid to ask for help.Maybe other peoples expectations of you are just simply unrealistic. Eitherway, you need to remember that while things are crazy those who love you don’t need you to be 100% of everything 100% of the time. All you need to be is 100% of the same person 100% of the time. So you drop the ball here and there….so what! Your family doesn’t need a perfect mom or wife…they just need a cool head, that reacts the same way under pressure as they do when things are on track.

The next time you find yourself wanting to multiply yourself, I want to encourage you to take a step back, think about who it is you are pleasing, and is whatever you are working on really worth the pressure. Sometimes it is, and sometimes it isn't. You need to recognize the differnce between those two. Ask for some help…and sometimes, when the time is right…just let it lay for a day. More than likely it will be there for you to work on tomorrow. You don't have to be an "Octowife!" You just need to be filled with Joy, and shine brightly for those you love, and those who love you.

Oh…here is a funny link from the movie “Multiplicity.” Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vILowPrMMrM

Faulty Wiring

"I love you & don't have time to think of something creative." :)

Do you know someone who feels the need to ALWAYS fill the air with conversation? It’s like…if there is any silence, they feel it is their duty to make sure that they speak up; almost as if the world will come to an abrupt end if they can’t throw their 2 cents in.  Why is it so hard for us to sit in silence sometimes? I have so many buddy’s who complain about their wife, and how from the time they get home from the office to the time they go to bed it’s constant chatter.

I cracked my wife up one time because she overheard a call between me and my best friend from grade school. I said maybe 10 words (mostly "uh huh" and "seriously!", and the call lasted less than 3 minutes. When I hung up she asked me "what was going on?" I said “Blake and his wife are pregnant...” She had so many questions (none of which I could answer) about the details (none of which I could answer). She asked things like, “How far along is she,” “How is she feeling,” “Does she think it’s a boy or a girl,” and on and on and on. What so many women have a hard time understanding is that men just aren't wired that way. Now don’t get me wrong…I know I have been preaching about communication, and how important that is. And I FIRMLY stand by that. However, there are certain times when we just need some room...

A common myth out there is that Women speak around 2,000 words more per day then men. FALSE! There have been countless studies that prove that  Men AND women speak on average 16,000 words per day. EQUALLY! The difference is…Your husband probably doesn’t want to talk about the same things you want to talk about. Quick example: You ask your husband “How was your day to day?” when you he walks in the door, and typically your going to get, at most, “It was fine,” or “I’ve had better”… Now, take that same husband and ask him, “So…how good of a chance does insert hubby’s favorite sports team here have to win the championship this season?” And watch him sling out a couple thousand words in 15 mins. So why is it that sometimes your man seems so closed off?

If you husband seems like he doesn’t talk as much as he used to here are the top reasons:

1.       HE IS JUST TIRED…give him some room and let him breath.

2.       It honestly hasn’t crossed his mind that what you are trying to talk to him about is important…take a minute to tell him you love him, but you need his attention. He will understand. That’s how we communicate!

3.       He is embarrassed…believe it or not guy’s are sometimes embarrassed to talk about certain things. Especially if you are trying to revisit an area where he let you down…give him some time. It might even be better to write him a letter, and ask him to respond to you in writing as well

4.       He is tired of talking about the same thing…men have VERY short attention spans. If you are continually talking about the same thing over and over again he is going to be bored with the conversation. Guy’s HATE to repeat themselves.

5.       He can’t relate to your conversation…if your man’s eyes are glazed over while you are speaking to him chances he just isn’t interested in what you are talking about. It’s nothing against you so don’t be so sensitive!

So if you find yourself in a situation where you are asking yourself “why doesn’t my husband talk to me the way he used to?” you may want to consider sitting back, and just keeping quiet. Let him have some room from time to time. And remember…if you can’t find anything creative to say…there is no need to fill the air with meaningless words. Forced conversation leads to insincere dialog…stay on point!